My Lil Red Dress

Sometimes relationships have to end. It’s usually not easy to end a relationship and it’s never fun, but if your relationship is causing you more pain that joy, it might be time to walk away.

How do you know when it’s time to end a relationship? I’ve been guilty a time or two of hanging on to a relationship long after I should have ended it because I felt like walking away would mean that I had wasted all of the time that I had invested in the relationship. I realize now that those thoughts are wrong. We learn something from every relationship that we’re in, so leaving one never means time wasted as long as we take what we’ve learned and do something with it. Staying in a relationship that you know will never lead anywhere IS a waste of your time – and the time of your partner.

Some signs that the relationship is over may include:

~ You and your partner are heading in different directions and it’s clear that you want very different things out of life.

~ You fight constantly and no amount of working on it or counseling seems to be helping.

~ You can’t agree on major life decisions. For example, you may want to get married and have children; he’s made it clear that he never wants children.

~ You have begun seeking a relationship with someone else.

There are many other reasons why relationships end, if you think that it’s time to end yours, take time to do some major soul searching.

Once that you’ve decided to end the relationship, you are going to have to tell your partner that it’s over. The mere thought of having to do this is enough to send some people into a full-blown panic attack. Women, especially, hate to hurt others. We don’t want to be the cause of pain for anyone. Unfortunately, if the time has come to end a relationship, you are going to have to.

Decide on a time to let your partner know that the relationship is over. Make sure that you clearly lay out your reasons for ending the relationship and then stick by your decision. It’s going to be difficult and if your partner is not ready for the relationship to end, he/she may try to talk you into changing your mind. Giving in at this point is only going to prolong the inevitable. Respect your partner enough to be honest with them. They might not like it right now, but they’ll respect you for your honesty later.

Expect to feel a great amount of pain. Ending a relationship hurts, even if you know it had to be done. You may be tempted to go back; don’t do it for the wrong reasons. Know that the pain will eventually subside – for both of you.

I’m the May in a May December relationship, and I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s not always the easiest kind of relationship to be in. I’ll also tell you that I’ve had just about as much as I can take of what seems to be the popular opinion that it must be about money.

May December relationships have become more accepted in recent years, probably in part due to high-profile couples like Hugh Hefner and whatever women he happens to be dating at any given time and Donald Trump and his penchant for younger wives. Unfortunately, those relationships have also led mainstream America to believe that any younger woman with an older man must be with him for money.

That simply isn’t the case. Are there women who date older men for money? I’m sure there are. There are lots and lots of people who date and marry for the wrong reasons….that’s partly why so many marriages end in divorce.

I’d just like to point out, for all the other women like me, who happen to be in a May December relationship with a man that they really love, that it isn’t always about the money. I’ll be the first to admit that dating a much older man isn’t easy. In fact, we tried not to date for some time. There just seemed to be too many things standing in the way of us being able to have a long-term relationship. Like the fact that he had never had any children and I have three – all under the age of 13. And the fact that chances are he’ll die right about the time I’m ready to retire. There were lots of things to stop us from starting a relationship, and only one thing in favor of us moving forward…and it wasn’t money!

There is really no point to my post today, except that I’m a little irked about yet another comment that I heard recently about my relationship. And since I have a blog, I’m entitled to get irked if I want to. But since I like to have something of substance to say when I write, here’s a few things I’d just like to throw out there:

For those of you who are happy in a May December relationship with someone who you really love – ignore the things that you sometimes hear. When people don’t understand something, it’s normal for them to dismiss it in a manner that allows them to understand. As long as we know that we are in a relationship for the right reasons, we don’t need to worry about what others think.

For those of you who have feelings for someone who is much younger or older than you, but are denying your feelings because you are concerned what others might say…do what’s right for you and forget all the rest of it. You’re the one who has to wake up every morning and live your life – do it in a way that will bring you love and happiness.

And, last, for my friends that don’t understand that two people can love each other even when they were born in different years. It’s not always about money, sex, or a woman that didn’t have a good father. Sometimes people just fall in love. Can’t that be good enough?

For more reading on May December relationships, check out the book What’s Age Got to Do With It? by Anne Cantelo. It’s a great book that takes a hard look at relationships with a large age gap and provides honest information. A great read for anyone – especially those in this type of relationship.

I have a friend that breaks up with her boyfriend what seems like at least once a week. They are constantly breaking up and getting back together. It seems a little ridiculous to me, but it seems to work for them. Sadly, I think that there have got to be issues in their relationship, that unless worked out, will cause them to continue down this path until they eventually break up for good.

Breaking up and getting back together is common among those dating and even among married couples who are toying with the idea of separation and/or divorce.

I think it comes down to the age old, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”

If you’re in a relationship where you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, it may be time to think about why you’re doing it and whether or not it’s really healthy for you.

For example, do you get back together with your boyfriend or husband because you are afraid of being alone? I suspect that’s a pretty common reason for reconnecting after a break up and it’s definitely the WRONG reason.

If you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, are you resolving the problems that caused the break up in the first place? If you constantly fight about one or two major issues but no one ever changes – you are wasting your time. On the other hand, if you are both willing to get help with your problems and are willing to make some changes, then things may work out.

My friend tells me that she gets back together with her boyfriend because she’s been with him so long that she would feel like she had wasted her time if she didn’t give the relationship “one more chance.” I bet that’s pretty common – but it doesn’t really make that much sense. If it’s truly one more chance, that might be okay. When it becomes one hundred more chances, it gets a little out of hand. In my (very humble) opinion, she only started wasting time when she stayed with him after she realized that it probably wasn’t going to work.

For some people, breaking up and getting back together seems to be a part of life. If you’re one of those people, just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons!

If you’ve been in this position, tell us your story. How many times have your broken up and gotten back together? How did it work out for you? Was your relationship better or did you end up breaking up again?