My Lil Red Dress

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I’m the May in a May December relationship, and I’ll be the first to tell you that it’s not always the easiest kind of relationship to be in. I’ll also tell you that I’ve had just about as much as I can take of what seems to be the popular opinion that it must be about money.

May December relationships have become more accepted in recent years, probably in part due to high-profile couples like Hugh Hefner and whatever women he happens to be dating at any given time and Donald Trump and his penchant for younger wives. Unfortunately, those relationships have also led mainstream America to believe that any younger woman with an older man must be with him for money.

That simply isn’t the case. Are there women who date older men for money? I’m sure there are. There are lots and lots of people who date and marry for the wrong reasons….that’s partly why so many marriages end in divorce.

I’d just like to point out, for all the other women like me, who happen to be in a May December relationship with a man that they really love, that it isn’t always about the money. I’ll be the first to admit that dating a much older man isn’t easy. In fact, we tried not to date for some time. There just seemed to be too many things standing in the way of us being able to have a long-term relationship. Like the fact that he had never had any children and I have three – all under the age of 13. And the fact that chances are he’ll die right about the time I’m ready to retire. There were lots of things to stop us from starting a relationship, and only one thing in favor of us moving forward…and it wasn’t money!

There is really no point to my post today, except that I’m a little irked about yet another comment that I heard recently about my relationship. And since I have a blog, I’m entitled to get irked if I want to. But since I like to have something of substance to say when I write, here’s a few things I’d just like to throw out there:

For those of you who are happy in a May December relationship with someone who you really love – ignore the things that you sometimes hear. When people don’t understand something, it’s normal for them to dismiss it in a manner that allows them to understand. As long as we know that we are in a relationship for the right reasons, we don’t need to worry about what others think.

For those of you who have feelings for someone who is much younger or older than you, but are denying your feelings because you are concerned what others might say…do what’s right for you and forget all the rest of it. You’re the one who has to wake up every morning and live your life – do it in a way that will bring you love and happiness.

And, last, for my friends that don’t understand that two people can love each other even when they were born in different years. It’s not always about money, sex, or a woman that didn’t have a good father. Sometimes people just fall in love. Can’t that be good enough?

For more reading on May December relationships, check out the book What’s Age Got to Do With It? by Anne Cantelo. It’s a great book that takes a hard look at relationships with a large age gap and provides honest information. A great read for anyone – especially those in this type of relationship.

I’ll admit it, I hate when I’m wrong. I think that makes me pretty normal. I don’t especially like saying sorry either. Unfortunately, I find myself in the position of having to apologize more often than I’d like to admit. Typically, I sound exactly like my 4-year old when the time comes for my to apologize. If you have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

Seriously, though, knowing how to apologize is an important part of being in a relationship. Sometimes it’s just got to be done.

Before you can learn how to say sorry, you’ve got to be able to admit that you did something wrong in the first place. And that’s where the problem comes in…for me at least. It’s not fun to admit that you’re wrong. For some people, it’s darn near impossible. Here’s a hint for you though, if you are fighting with your boyfriend or husband, chances are that it’s at least partly your fault.

Once you are able to admit to yourself that you did something wrong, you’ve got to make up your mind to apologize. There are two basic ways to say you’re sorry. You can actually say it or you can write it. Which method you decide to use may very well depend on the severity of the argument and your personal feelings about apologizing. For some people, an apology comes easy. For others, like me, it’s a nightmare.

I usually choose the written apology for any wrongdoing greater than forgetting to pick something up from the store or staining his favorite shirt. Writing allows me to think about what I want to say…it also masks that sneer in my voice that always seems to show up right at the time that it’s time to say I’m sorry.

But what about those times when you know that you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, but you really don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong. For example, you have a disagreement with your boyfriend or husband about finances. During the disagreement, that really ended up to be more like a fight, you said some things that hurt your sweeties feelings. After it’s over, you feel sorry that you hurt his feelings, but you stand by what you said in the first place. How can you apologize when you don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong?

During situations like these, it’s important to stay true to what you believe. For the sake of your relationship, it’s also important to work things out with your guy. During situations like this, I like to apologize for the pain that I caused without apologizing for the way that I feel.

In the end, sometimes you’ve just got to suck it up and say you’re sorry, even if you don’t want to. Heck, sometimes you have to say it even when you don’t mean it. In a relationship, we aren’t just responsible for our own feelings – we’ve got the feelings of someone else to think about. Learning to say sorry (without sounding like a 4-year old) is going to go a long way in making your relationship a happier one.

I have a friend that breaks up with her boyfriend what seems like at least once a week. They are constantly breaking up and getting back together. It seems a little ridiculous to me, but it seems to work for them. Sadly, I think that there have got to be issues in their relationship, that unless worked out, will cause them to continue down this path until they eventually break up for good.

Breaking up and getting back together is common among those dating and even among married couples who are toying with the idea of separation and/or divorce.

I think it comes down to the age old, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”

If you’re in a relationship where you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, it may be time to think about why you’re doing it and whether or not it’s really healthy for you.

For example, do you get back together with your boyfriend or husband because you are afraid of being alone? I suspect that’s a pretty common reason for reconnecting after a break up and it’s definitely the WRONG reason.

If you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, are you resolving the problems that caused the break up in the first place? If you constantly fight about one or two major issues but no one ever changes – you are wasting your time. On the other hand, if you are both willing to get help with your problems and are willing to make some changes, then things may work out.

My friend tells me that she gets back together with her boyfriend because she’s been with him so long that she would feel like she had wasted her time if she didn’t give the relationship “one more chance.” I bet that’s pretty common – but it doesn’t really make that much sense. If it’s truly one more chance, that might be okay. When it becomes one hundred more chances, it gets a little out of hand. In my (very humble) opinion, she only started wasting time when she stayed with him after she realized that it probably wasn’t going to work.

For some people, breaking up and getting back together seems to be a part of life. If you’re one of those people, just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons!

If you’ve been in this position, tell us your story. How many times have your broken up and gotten back together? How did it work out for you? Was your relationship better or did you end up breaking up again?