My Lil Red Dress

I’ll admit it, I hate when I’m wrong. I think that makes me pretty normal. I don’t especially like saying sorry either. Unfortunately, I find myself in the position of having to apologize more often than I’d like to admit. Typically, I sound exactly like my 4-year old when the time comes for my to apologize. If you have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

Seriously, though, knowing how to apologize is an important part of being in a relationship. Sometimes it’s just got to be done.

Before you can learn how to say sorry, you’ve got to be able to admit that you did something wrong in the first place. And that’s where the problem comes in…for me at least. It’s not fun to admit that you’re wrong. For some people, it’s darn near impossible. Here’s a hint for you though, if you are fighting with your boyfriend or husband, chances are that it’s at least partly your fault.

Once you are able to admit to yourself that you did something wrong, you’ve got to make up your mind to apologize. There are two basic ways to say you’re sorry. You can actually say it or you can write it. Which method you decide to use may very well depend on the severity of the argument and your personal feelings about apologizing. For some people, an apology comes easy. For others, like me, it’s a nightmare.

I usually choose the written apology for any wrongdoing greater than forgetting to pick something up from the store or staining his favorite shirt. Writing allows me to think about what I want to say…it also masks that sneer in my voice that always seems to show up right at the time that it’s time to say I’m sorry.

But what about those times when you know that you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, but you really don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong. For example, you have a disagreement with your boyfriend or husband about finances. During the disagreement, that really ended up to be more like a fight, you said some things that hurt your sweeties feelings. After it’s over, you feel sorry that you hurt his feelings, but you stand by what you said in the first place. How can you apologize when you don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong?

During situations like these, it’s important to stay true to what you believe. For the sake of your relationship, it’s also important to work things out with your guy. During situations like this, I like to apologize for the pain that I caused without apologizing for the way that I feel.

In the end, sometimes you’ve just got to suck it up and say you’re sorry, even if you don’t want to. Heck, sometimes you have to say it even when you don’t mean it. In a relationship, we aren’t just responsible for our own feelings – we’ve got the feelings of someone else to think about. Learning to say sorry (without sounding like a 4-year old) is going to go a long way in making your relationship a happier one.

Regardless of the type of divorce process you choose to use, it is important to identify your marital estate. The marital estate is defined by the South Carolina Equitable Apportionment Statute and generally comprises all assets and debts acquired by either party during the marriage, regardless of title. As you can guess, there are numerous exceptions to this rule, so discuss this issue carefully with your attorney. For starters, however, you should begin to gather the following information, regardless of how it was obtained or who obtained it, as long as it was obtained during the marriage. Gather information on an asset used during the marriage, regardless of when it was obtained.

An example of an “asset” would be your residence, a car, a boat, a valuable piece of artwork, a retirement account, or an investment account. An asset is anything that is worth money! Don’t worry about loans on the assets (such as your mortgage or a car loan), because you will be listing all of these debts separately. The result will be your “net” marital estate.

Here is a brief checklist to help guide you with this process. It is by no means a comprehensive list, so anticipate that your attorney will need more information, but it is a good starting place.

Income/ Assets:

• Income tax returns for the previous five years

• Retirement account statements; one from the date of marriage, one current.

• Estimated valuation of all real estate acquired during the marriage

• Estimated value of the marital residence, if owned

• Statements from current investment accounts

• Statements from college savings accounts for minor children

• Estimated (Blue Book) value of all automobiles

• Itemization of all valuable artwork, jewelry, etc. with estimate of values

• Copies of all trusts

• Copies of all whole life insurance policies or annuities

• Recent statements from whole life and annuity policies

• Copies of all corporate papers; Sub S Corp’s, LLC’s etc.

Debts

• Current credit card statements

• Current mortgage balances (1st, 2nd, 3rd, etc….)

• Automobile loans

• Promissory notes

• Student loans

• Secured loans

• Other debts and obligations (unsecured)

In complicated cases, a financial professional is helpful to assist in establishing the value of the marital estate. In the more straightforward cases, you and your lawyer can establish the values using and Excell or Numbers spreadsheet, or just a pencil and paper!

The bottom line is that you want to identify everything that was obtained during the marriage, or used as marital property during the marriage regardless of how it was obtained.

HOT TIP: You will also want to have this information very well organized for your attorney or financial professional. You pay these people by the hour, so the less time they need to spend organizing your financial matters, the less money you will pay for this service!

I have a friend that breaks up with her boyfriend what seems like at least once a week. They are constantly breaking up and getting back together. It seems a little ridiculous to me, but it seems to work for them. Sadly, I think that there have got to be issues in their relationship, that unless worked out, will cause them to continue down this path until they eventually break up for good.

Breaking up and getting back together is common among those dating and even among married couples who are toying with the idea of separation and/or divorce.

I think it comes down to the age old, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”

If you’re in a relationship where you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, it may be time to think about why you’re doing it and whether or not it’s really healthy for you.

For example, do you get back together with your boyfriend or husband because you are afraid of being alone? I suspect that’s a pretty common reason for reconnecting after a break up and it’s definitely the WRONG reason.

If you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, are you resolving the problems that caused the break up in the first place? If you constantly fight about one or two major issues but no one ever changes – you are wasting your time. On the other hand, if you are both willing to get help with your problems and are willing to make some changes, then things may work out.

My friend tells me that she gets back together with her boyfriend because she’s been with him so long that she would feel like she had wasted her time if she didn’t give the relationship “one more chance.” I bet that’s pretty common – but it doesn’t really make that much sense. If it’s truly one more chance, that might be okay. When it becomes one hundred more chances, it gets a little out of hand. In my (very humble) opinion, she only started wasting time when she stayed with him after she realized that it probably wasn’t going to work.

For some people, breaking up and getting back together seems to be a part of life. If you’re one of those people, just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons!

If you’ve been in this position, tell us your story. How many times have your broken up and gotten back together? How did it work out for you? Was your relationship better or did you end up breaking up again?

getting pre-marriage counseling before saying I do

Getting  pre-marriage counseling is highly recommended if you think you have found that special someone that you are considering marrying.  Take the necessary step to build your relationship on a strong foundation.   Getting pre-marriage counseling early in the dating relationship can prevent divorce in the long range and help each partner to understand each others perspective on important subjects such as sex, finances and raising children.

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