My Lil Red Dress

I have a friend that breaks up with her boyfriend what seems like at least once a week. They are constantly breaking up and getting back together. It seems a little ridiculous to me, but it seems to work for them. Sadly, I think that there have got to be issues in their relationship, that unless worked out, will cause them to continue down this path until they eventually break up for good.

Breaking up and getting back together is common among those dating and even among married couples who are toying with the idea of separation and/or divorce.

I think it comes down to the age old, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”

If you’re in a relationship where you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, it may be time to think about why you’re doing it and whether or not it’s really healthy for you.

For example, do you get back together with your boyfriend or husband because you are afraid of being alone? I suspect that’s a pretty common reason for reconnecting after a break up and it’s definitely the WRONG reason.

If you are constantly breaking up and getting back together, are you resolving the problems that caused the break up in the first place? If you constantly fight about one or two major issues but no one ever changes – you are wasting your time. On the other hand, if you are both willing to get help with your problems and are willing to make some changes, then things may work out.

My friend tells me that she gets back together with her boyfriend because she’s been with him so long that she would feel like she had wasted her time if she didn’t give the relationship “one more chance.” I bet that’s pretty common – but it doesn’t really make that much sense. If it’s truly one more chance, that might be okay. When it becomes one hundred more chances, it gets a little out of hand. In my (very humble) opinion, she only started wasting time when she stayed with him after she realized that it probably wasn’t going to work.

For some people, breaking up and getting back together seems to be a part of life. If you’re one of those people, just make sure that you are doing it for the right reasons!

If you’ve been in this position, tell us your story. How many times have your broken up and gotten back together? How did it work out for you? Was your relationship better or did you end up breaking up again?

I’ll admit it, I hate when I’m wrong. I think that makes me pretty normal. I don’t especially like saying sorry either. Unfortunately, I find myself in the position of having to apologize more often than I’d like to admit. Typically, I sound exactly like my 4-year old when the time comes for my to apologize. If you have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about!

Seriously, though, knowing how to apologize is an important part of being in a relationship. Sometimes it’s just got to be done.

Before you can learn how to say sorry, you’ve got to be able to admit that you did something wrong in the first place. And that’s where the problem comes in…for me at least. It’s not fun to admit that you’re wrong. For some people, it’s darn near impossible. Here’s a hint for you though, if you are fighting with your boyfriend or husband, chances are that it’s at least partly your fault.

Once you are able to admit to yourself that you did something wrong, you’ve got to make up your mind to apologize. There are two basic ways to say you’re sorry. You can actually say it or you can write it. Which method you decide to use may very well depend on the severity of the argument and your personal feelings about apologizing. For some people, an apology comes easy. For others, like me, it’s a nightmare.

I usually choose the written apology for any wrongdoing greater than forgetting to pick something up from the store or staining his favorite shirt. Writing allows me to think about what I want to say…it also masks that sneer in my voice that always seems to show up right at the time that it’s time to say I’m sorry.

But what about those times when you know that you’ve hurt someone’s feelings, but you really don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong. For example, you have a disagreement with your boyfriend or husband about finances. During the disagreement, that really ended up to be more like a fight, you said some things that hurt your sweeties feelings. After it’s over, you feel sorry that you hurt his feelings, but you stand by what you said in the first place. How can you apologize when you don’t believe that you’ve done anything wrong?

During situations like these, it’s important to stay true to what you believe. For the sake of your relationship, it’s also important to work things out with your guy. During situations like this, I like to apologize for the pain that I caused without apologizing for the way that I feel.

In the end, sometimes you’ve just got to suck it up and say you’re sorry, even if you don’t want to. Heck, sometimes you have to say it even when you don’t mean it. In a relationship, we aren’t just responsible for our own feelings – we’ve got the feelings of someone else to think about. Learning to say sorry (without sounding like a 4-year old) is going to go a long way in making your relationship a happier one.

getting pre-marriage counseling before saying I do

Getting  pre-marriage counseling is highly recommended if you think you have found that special someone that you are considering marrying.  Take the necessary step to build your relationship on a strong foundation.   Getting pre-marriage counseling early in the dating relationship can prevent divorce in the long range and help each partner to understand each others perspective on important subjects such as sex, finances and raising children.

http://bit.ly/cTIqn8

Date Night Ideas

If you are married, I highly recommend setting up a weekly date night with your spouse. Think back to the years when you were dating – I’m willing to bet that if you’ve passed the honeymoon phase of your marriage, you have started to forget what it was like to date your spouse.

As things like work, kids, and life get in the way a marriage begins to suffer. Before you know it, you realize that you hardly talk anymore, unless it’s about bills, work, or the kids. There’s simply not the time to talk about the things that used to thrill us about our spouse.

In my marriage, part of the answer has been to implement a regular date night. My husband and I set aside a night each week that is just for us. We don’t talk about our kids, we don’t talk about work, and we don’t talk about bills. In all honesty, at first there wasn’t much to talk about at all. How sad is that? We had gotten so used to talking about the day-to-day stuff that we didn’t know what to talk about when we couldn’t discuss the mundane.

However, after awhile, an amazing thing started to happen. We found things to talk about. We started talking about our dreams and our goals again. We talked about all of the things that we used to talk about…before we were married.

If you’d like to start a date night, but don’t know what to do, I’ll gladly share some of my date night ideas to get you on the right track.

~ Dinner is always a great way to spend time together. It allows you to talk and once you have children, there’s something amazing to go out alone – with no interruptions.

~ In the summer, my husband and I like to pack a picnic and go out to the beach. A lake or other park works just as well.

~ Both my husband and I love music, so we sometimes find a good band at a local bar and enjoy music and dancing…just like when we were dating!

~ Sometimes we really splurge and do something fun. Since we live in Hawaii, we’ve been on a dinner cruise, to a luau, and to a crab dinner on the beach at a local hotel.

~ If you like sports, a game of basketball can be a great way to spend time together while also releasing tension.

~ I’m almost ashamed to admit it, but my husband and I love to play the Wii. On date nights when we aren’t necessarily pleased with each other – a good boxing match does wonders when it comes to easing our tensions.

~ Visit a local museum or your local planetarium.

~ Find a place far from the city and just look at stars – bring a nice bottle of wine.

~ We once went to Build-a-Bear. That was my favorite date night ever, even though my husband thought it was slightly cheesy.

~ Make sure you take a trip to the local carnival when it’s in town. Pretend you are back in high school and dating again.

~ How about ice skating? If you don’t know how, learn together.

~ Make a day of it and go to a local amusement park. Again, pretend that you’re dating again. Hold hands in line and feed each other cotton candy.

There are hundreds more date night ideas. Get creative and have fun. Get to know each other again and learn things that you never knew!

For more date night ideas and information about why date night is so important for married couples, check out two great books:

~ 40 Unforgettable Dates with Your Mate: This is a great book full of ideas for fun and exciting dates with your spouse. It’s also a great wedding gift for newlyweds.

~ Date Night in a Minivan: Revving Up Your Marriage after Kids Arrive: If you’re married with kids, this is a definite must read. It teaches you how to keep the fires burning while taking care of your family. After three kids and years of marriage, my husband and I hardly talked. I think many parents are like us. Make sure that your relationship gets the attention it deserves!

What are you doing for your date nights? Share your stories and give others ideas for their own marriages. Check back for more great relationship tips often, or sign up for our RSS feed to get updates when we add new information.

Take it from someone who has been through it, there is nothing fun about getting a divorce. Perfectly normal people turn into raving lunatics during the process of ending a marriage…and people who weren’t normal to begin with really go off the deep end. Even the most amicable of divorces often cause hard feelings and anger. I’ve often thought that divorce shows the worst side of humanity.

There are plenty of emotional issues associated with getting a divorce, and I don’t want to make light of those, but it’s important to understand that getting a divorce is akin to breaking up a business. Of course, it’s much worse than that because the “business” that’s coming to an end is not just a financial partnership – it’s an emotional partnership and often a parenting partnership as well.

Unless you have no children and no assets, choosing your divorce lawyer is going to be one of the most important decisions that you make. I have a lot of friends who didn’t want a divorce, so instead of choosing a good attorney, they spent all their time trying to save a marriage that was clearly over. Even after knowing that their ex had retained an attorney and was filing papers, they still focused their energies on “working things out.” Do not be one of these people. Maybe you’ll work things out before the divorce is final and get back together, and that’s great – but don’t make your decisions with that assumption or you’ll be really sorry when you get a grossly unfair settlement because you weren’t prepared.

There’s plenty of advice out there on how to choose your divorce lawyer. In my opinion, the most important thing you can do is to choose someone who you feel comfortable with. It’s also extremely important to select an attorney that has experience with situations like yours. For example, if custody is going to be a big issue, find an attorney who has tried a lot of contested custody cases. Don’t be afraid to ask them how many they’ve won. If you and your spouse owned a business, find an attorney with advanced experience in valuation.

The fact is that when you are getting a divorce, there are plenty of people who will be willing to give you advice about choosing an attorney, but in the end, you’ve really got to follow your gut on this one. You are going to have to work closely with this person for some time so you’ll need to make sure that it’s someone you feel comfortable with.

Another important think to consider when choosing your attorney is communication. I’ve heard more complaints from people going through divorces about not being able to get in touch with their attorney than anything else. Before you sign a retainer with any attorney, make sure that you discuss how you’ll communicate and when you can expect to get responses to your questions and issues.

Once you’ve hired your attorney, don’t be afraid to voice your concerns, if you have them. Remember that your attorney is charging you by the hour..actually, by the portion of an hour, so don’t call for small issues. On the other hand, if you have a legitimate concern or question, make sure that feel able to talk to your attorney about it.

Last, when you are getting a divorce, it’s absolutely key that you are honest with your divorce lawyer about every aspect of your divorce. They can not help you if you aren’t being upfront with them.

If you are in the process of ending a marriage, I know how hard it is for you, and I don’t want to sound callous or mean…it’s just that taking care of your financial well-being is that important.

Check back soon – we’ll talk about the emotional ramifications of divorce in a future post.

For additional reading on divorce, check out the following great books:

The Divorce Organizer & Planner: I used this exact planner during my divorce. If you are a person who likes to write things down, this is a GREAT book. It helps you to get all of your information together and to keep it organized.

Your Divorce Advisor : A Lawyer and a Psychologist GuideYou Through the Legal and Emotional Landscape of Divorce: This is a wonderful book written by both an attorney and a psychologist and really hits a lot of the legal and emotional issues that you’ll face during the end of your marriage.